Run 4: Page's Walk to the St. Martin's Theatre.

     

Page's Walk. A few new yuppie blocks springing-up
but basically still a run-down crap hole.

     There are lots of options for this Run. Selection of a bridge and of a rat-run through Covent Garden are far from clear-cut choices.
     One of the main schools turns left out of Grange Road on to Tower Bridge Road and heads to Waterloo Bridge via the Bricklayers' Arms and the Elephant & Castle.
     Another uses Bermondsey Street and Marshalsea Road to reach Southwark Bridge Road, where it turns right and goes along Southwark Street and Stamford Street to get to Waterloo Bridge.
     A third turns right at the end of Southwark Street and uses Blackfriars' Bridge to cross the river; reaching Aldwych by means of Victoria Embankment, Temple Place, Arundel Street and Strand.
     Once in WC2, opinions also differ.
     From Wellington Street, the option to use Tavistock Street, Bedford Street and Cranbourn Street, before hitting West Street from the west, via a right into Litchfield Street from Charing Cross Road, is popular.
     Using Endell Street and entering West Street from Shaftesbury Avenue to the north is another option.
     Distance wise, there's not a lot between most of the choices. However, to me, turning back eastwards from St .George's Road into Westminster Bridge Road just seems plain wrong, so I didn't consider the Elephant option, reasonable "driving route" though it clearly is.
     I decided to nip thought the back streets of The Borough, which is where this Run traditionally went, until a few bollards went up, ending the possibility of using the shortest geographical route. I prefer the Seven Dials option at the WC2 end, mainly because of the traffic in Cranbourn Street, which traditionally has a very short green phase on the traffic light facing Leicester Square.

   

The St. Martin's Theatre, where "The Mousetrap" is in its 63rd year.
The abundant flow of commercially viable young
 playwrights in this country shows no sign of abating.  

     It's a long Run to call, whichever way you do it. Even using the least complex acceptable route, it involves negotiating cobbled backstreets and one-way systems in Covent Garden                

     Leave by left - Grange Road
     Forward - Bermondsey Street
     Left - Long Lane
     Right - Great Dover Street
     Forward - Marshalsea Road
     Left - Southwark Bridge Road
     Right - Great Guildford Street
     Left - Copperfield Street
     Right - Great Suffolk Street
     Left - Union Street
     Forward - The Cut
     Right - Waterloo Road
     Comply - Tenison Way Roundabout
     Leave by - Waterloo Bridge
     Forward - Lancaster Place
     Forward - Aldwych
     Left - Catherine Street
     Left - Exeter Street
     Right - Wellington Street
     Forward - Bow Street
     Forward - Endell Street
     Left - Shelton Street
     Right - Mercer Street
     Comply - Seven Dials Roundabout
     Leave by - Mercer Street (continued)
     Left - Shaftesbury Avenue
     Left - West Street
     St. Martin's Theatre on left

     There's not much to see at the start of this Run. The area is being converted to yet another district of Yuppietown, but industrial estates, disused factories and pre-war public housing still dominate the manor. Walking around isn't an option I considered.

   

Stompy, the Russian T-34 tank. Seemingly purchased from the
Czech armed forces and a perennial favourite with Examiners. It's
at the southern end of Page's Walk, on the Mandela Way junction. 

     The section of the Run south of the Thames sees a fair bit of the Crosssrail project that still blights the capital, but the line I took avoids the worst of it.
     At the conclusion of this Run it's just about essential to take a look around on foot.
     Leicester Square and Covent Garden Piazza both partly fall inside the 440-yard radius from the St.Martin's Theatre. Both are pedestrianised. Both contain shedloads of Points.
     I noted around 200 Points in a 4-hour perambulation of the area. that's more than a little dis-spiriting. I doubt if even 50% of them have stuck in my memory bank.

     

The Ivy, on the apex of West Street and Litchfield Street.
Probably London's most high-profile restaurant these days.

     Restaurants and bars in this area seem to change ownership and name on a regular basis. Being able to confidently call a line through Covent Garden is undeniably essential, but nobody's ever going to be foot-perfect on Points around here and many of those that currently exist will be gone by the time I start on appearances.
     This is an area that needs to be revisited frequently by all Knowledge Boys once they're on the cards and sitting in The Chair, but excessive pointing here at the end of this Run is unnecessary. Time could be better spent on something else.
     Four down, 316 to go.        

Run 3: Chancery Lane Station to Rolls Road.

   

Chancery Lane Station. Not on Chancery Lane.
Entrances to both sides of Gray's Inn Road and
a third one on the south side of the junction.  

   
     A dart across the irksomely rebranded "Midtown" from Queen Square brings me to Chancery Lane tube station, which isn't on Chancery Lane.
     The start of this Run has changed recently, due to what appears a permanent closure of Stonecutter Street. Prior to the prolonged reconfiguration of Holborn Circus, this Run turned right from Holborn Circus, down St. Andrew Street and Shoe Lane, before joining Farringdon Street via the now "cycles only" Stonecutter Street.
     Making a hill with a 10%+ gradient "cycles only" shows the type of genius I've come to associate with the "cycling facilities" being installed across the capital on an industrial scale.
     It's a relatively simple Run. Except for Charterhouse Street and Rowcross Street, it's main roads all the way. The Bricklayers' Arms is a comparatively straightforward four-exit roundabout. It does, however, terminate in a locality where not many residents are likely to be able to afford to use Black Taxis - unless the mosque at which they're imam has received an especially generous Ramadan donation.
 

Rolls Road. Not named for the proliferation of luxury cars on the
street and not a place where a crusty ham is likely to be on menus.  

   
     Leave on left - Holborn
     Left - Charterhouse Street
     Right - Farringdon Street
     Forward - Ludgate Circus
     Forward - New Bridge Street
     Forward - Blackfriars' Bridge
     Forward - Blackfriars' Road
     Left - Southwark Street
     Right - Southwark Bridge Road
     Left - Marshalsea Road
     Forward - Great Dover Street
     Comply - Bricklayers' Arms Roundabout
     Leave by - Old Kent Road
     Left - Rowcross Street
     Rolls Road left & right
       
     Anyone not parking the bike and having a look around on foot at the start of this Run needs their head examining. They probably aren't taking The Knowledge seriously enough. (Anyone parking their bike at the end of this Run also needs their head examining, but that's for very different reasons.)
     Leather Lane is pedestrianised at the bottom and there's a market in the rest of it all week. A scooter won't get riders into the courtyards to the south of Holborn either.
     Both Lincoln's Inn & Gray's Inn partly fall within the 440-yard radius and they're gated private property. Taking a scooter in for a reccie isn't forbidden, but I doubt it'll be encouraged by the uniformed bozos on the gate.
     Motorcycle couriers collecting or delivering to Lincoln's Inn are made to park just past the barrier and walk. The compliant morons accede to this request. I don't. However, I'm not taking the piss by darting in for a pointing session on a scooter. Anyhow, there's nothing in any of the Inns of Court that I don't know. I hope.
   

The Prudential Building on Holborn. An Alfred Waterhouse Production, which
wouldn't be hard for anyone familiar with Manchester Town Hall or the Natural History
Museum to guess. Set down on the left, though there's a Brooke Street entrance. 

   
     There is a lot of stuff to the south of Holborn Circus that I don't know. This is because the area has been a construction site for the past two years.
     The iconic London Press Centre - site of many a film, TV show and advert - is no more. Sad. When I first worked as a courier, in 1981, it had the best elevators in London. When I stopped being a courier, in 2013, it still had the best elevators in London - and they were the same elevators. Noisy, but one turned-up on the 17th floor within ten seconds of the button being pressed every time. There are award-winning buildings in the City that are seven floors high and where you can wait a minute for one of the four elevators to arrive.
   

Rowan Atkinson. Trapped on the roof of the late International
Press Centre, at #76 Shoe Lane, in a 1990s Barclaycard advert. 

   
     I walk around agog and in some disgust. I used to work on Holborn a long time ago, when "Fleet Street" - in the sense of the newspaper industry - was still there. The Cartoonist and the Printer's Devil are gone, as is the Poppinjay, which was there when I last remember looking. I'm sure the new wine bars and restaurants are very nice. For those who can afford to use them.
   

Holborn. South side. "The Inn of Court"? Singular? Is nothing sacred?
This was always the Melton Mowbray & was still so named when I was in London last year.
Next door, Sterling House was the first place I ever worked. It was Exchange Travel back then.
Now an Itsu. More of them & their alleged "No English or blacks" employment policy coming soon.

   
     Walk completed, I jump on the scooter and head for Balochistan.
     I see nothing especially outrageous on the Run, though my opinion that selling or renting contraflow lights to London boroughs or TfL must be a more lucrative career option than doing The Knowledge is reinforced.
     The gaping hole on the corner of Marshalsea Road and Borough High Street, where Brandon House was the last time I looked, was surprising. It appeared to be a fairly modern office block. I'd have guessed late 1980s or early 1990s from its clean red brick exterior, though it was probably earlier than that, as I can't recall what was there previously.
     An on-line check of the plans for development revealed that 100 new homes are to be built on the site. Twenty of them will be "affordable."
     And the bears.
     I'm surprised the Southwark Telephone Exchange is still standing. The continued existence of the pubs on Great Dover Street is also puzzling. The overseas yuppies in the student accommodation must be receiving plenty of postal orders from their parents.
     The mosque on the corner of Rowcross Street looks to be open. I seemed closed last year. I'd hoped that would be the first of many such closures.

     There's not a lot to see at the end of this Run. It's certainly not worth getting off the bike to look around.
     Rolls Road must be accessed from Rowcross Street, as it's "No Entry" from the roundabout at the top of Humphrey Street. There's no escape route on the north side of the street, so it's necessary to go all the way to the Catlin Street / St.James's Road junction to head north.
     Last year's extensive roadworks on the Old Kent Road seem not to have resulted in any new restrictions.
     Three down, 317 to go.              

Run 2: Thornhill Square to Queen Square.

   

Thornhill Square, N1.
Very nice, but a lot easier to head south from than, say, northwest, 

     Run Two. It begins in a square on the "wrong" side of Liverpool Road, but where a four-bedroom house can still set you back £2,000,000, and winds down to the middle of town.
     It's slightly more difficult than Run One, but not exactly an eye-opener for anyone who knows Central London tolerably well.
     It involves the odd nondescript street and negotiates the King's Cross one-way system. As with Run One, the routes taken by the various Knowledge schools differ slightly.
     One school stays on Caledonian Road all the way to King's Cross Bridge, then turns left into Pentonville Road. I can't be having that. That corner surely has to be cut.
     Another school turns left into Carnegie Street from Caledonian Road, then right into Muriel Street. It crosses Pentonville Road at the Rodney Street / Penton Rise junction, then turns left into King's Cross Road from Penton Rise. Nothing wrong with that, though the light at the bottom of Rodney Street is lengthy.  
   

Queen Square, WC1.
Tucked away. Home to a lot of doctors and, in his youth, Barry Sheene.
I doubt he could have done The Knowledge on any of his race bikes.  

     Leave by - Matilda Street
     Right - Richmond Avenue
     Left - Caledonian Road
     Left - Killick Street
     Left - Pentonville Road
     Right - Lorenzo Street
     Left - King's Cross Road
     Right - Acton Street
     Left - Gray's Inn Road
     Right - Guilford Street
     Left - Guilford Place
     Right - Great Ormond Street
     Queen Square facing

     I begin my reccie of the 440-yard radius with a look at a pair of pigs - and I don't mean a couple of uniformed slobs waddling to their patrol car from the door of Islington Nick in Tolpuddle Street.
     Whereas the Points most often asked on the Gibson Square side of Liverpool Road are straightforward, with few restrictions on setting down and leaving, a couple of popular Points to the west of it are difficult.
     The most popular of these with Examiners is the Young Actors' Theatre, located on the eastern side of Barnsbury Road, just north of Copenhagen Street. It's difficult because a beefy central island prevents it being either set-down or left on the right and because there's a "No Right Turn" sign that stops anyone wanting to head west using Copenhagen Street.
     To set down at the Young Actors' Theatre on the left, it's necessary to enter Barnsbury Road from its northern continuation, Thornhill Road. To get into Thornhill Road, you more or less have to enter from Lofting Road, which is quite a way north.
     To evade the "No Right Turn" into Copenhagen Street and head west, it's necessary to use the council flats in the middle of Maygood Street and Eckford Street as a roundabout. Alternatively, Penton Street, Donegal Street, Rodney Street and Wynford Road provide an escape to Caledonian Road.
   

The Young Actors' Theatre on Barnsbury Road.
Drama and tragedy may ensue when Knowledge Boys
are asked this Point at the Public Carriage Office.  

     The other popular tricky Point is Cloudesley Square. It's barricaded-off on three of the four access roads, meaning it can only be entered by the arm off Cloudesley Road... a street which, in turn, can only be entered from the south, via Copenhagen Street, as it's one-way north once it passes the access arm of Cloudesley Square.
     I take a look at the escape route from Cloudesley Square, which involves Richmond Avenue, Lonsdale Square and Barnsbury Street.
     There are fewer Points in the vicinity of the relatively down-at-heel Liverpool Road and genuinely run-down Caledonian Road than in the upmarket shopping and eating area centred on Upper Street that ends Run One. There are a lot of barriers on the streets in the area, but limiting the options for exit on to main roads arguably makes things easier to learn.
   

Buddhist Centre on Caledonian Road. No minicab drivers, no
agitated preachers, no chips on shoulders (Halal or otherwise),
no Pakistanis, nobody cutting off heads or blowing people up.
It could give eastern religions a good name at this rate.  

     Scoot around completed, I start the Run.
     I use Richmond Avenue, rather than Caledonian Road, as the Caledonian Road green phase at the Copenhagen Street light is longer than the green phase in Copenhagen Street.
     The Royal Scot Hotel is now a Travelodge; Clerkenwell Magistrates' Court is now a Youth Hostel. I'm almost glad to see the King's Cross one-way system is still its familiar pain in the arse.
     I see nothing of interest on Gray's Inn Road, though London House in Guilford Street is under repair, along with several other major buildings in the area.
   
     At the WC1 end, I look around at the nearby squares.
     Russell Square station is the most regularly asked Point. There aren't any serious tricks to it, though it's necessary to go down to the roundabout at Brunswick Square to leave it - Marchmont Street being one-way against.
     The Renoir Cinema is now a bog-standard Curzon. Sacre bleu! Is nothing immune from being rebranded by chains?
   

Russell Square station, on the south side of Bernard Street,
in watery sunshine. A popular Point with Examiners. 

   

Now that's not exactly professional, is it, Mr LS-56-CZV?
Three points on an appearance at the Public Carriage Office
is welcomed. Three points for setting on a zigzag less so. 

     I cannot get used to Russell Square being two-way. As a traffic system, it's confusing and it doesn't work. I note Catton Street and Fisher Street are still closed. Must be more than 10 years now. It's been so long I've forgotten which was one-way east and which was one-way west.
     To an only slightly lesser degree than at the end of Run One, this is an area where parking the bike and having a walk around is likely to be beneficial. Some of the hotels between Bloomsbury Square and Russell Square aren't easy to spot from a scooter when there's a bus or Addison Lee transit on your back wheel. There are a few walkways, such as Cosmo Place and Lamb's Conduit Passage, while Lamb's Conduit Street is "access only"... and Camden Council's traffic department, being the evil, scheming vermin they are, monitor the cameras more or less permanently. Examiners are also at liberty to ask Knowledge Boys any of the statues in the gardens of the squares.
     Thankfully, there were no nasty shocks on my first visit to Central London for almost a year. I'm sure that'll change when I get to the City or the West End proper.
     Two down, 318 to go.          
   
                       
     

Run 1: Manor House Station to Gibson Square.

   

"The longest journey begins with a single step."
Not for many of the regular users of Black Taxis. Arab nobility,
Russian oligarchs & SE Asian "businessmen" don't walk much.
Manor House tube station. Fred Housego, Peter Shreeve, Dermot
Drummy, Mitch Winehouse, Jon Warboys, Anis Abid Sardar - all
started out here...& John Smead, who has less self-discipline than me!

     The opening Run on The Knowledge has, for as long as almost anyone can remember, been Manor House Station to Gibson Square.
     It's a relatively straightforward Run, along a reasonably straight line. It starts at a major junction and finishes at an upmarket residential square, just off the A1, where four-bedroom houses sell for in excess of £2,000,000, in an area lampooned in Private Eye's cartoon strip, "It's Grim Up North London." The last few hundred yards apart, it's "A" and "B" roads all the way.
   

The leafy, upmarket and Oh-So-Right-On Gibson Square.
One can imagine Jez & Quin calling to their poodle, Flaubert...
with a poop-scoop at the ready, natch.

     

It's Grim Up North London:
Blogging & the wisdom of Jez & Quin

 

It's Grim Up North London.
Jez & Quin: not doing The Knowledge 

     Traditionally, this Run went along the full length of Highbury New Park to get from Green Lanes to Highbury Grove. That's the shortest way and one of the Knowledge schools still runs it via that route. The relocation of some of the Lake District's smaller peaks to N5, where they served as speed humps on Highbury New Park for many years, was presumably the original reason for the diversion.
     A cab-driving acquaintance told a possibly apocryphal tale of a "friend of a friend" who got his badge, hired an old cab and decided to drive to Manor House Station before putting the meter on for the first time - just for good luck. This is not an uncommon superstition. It didn't bring him luck. A hand shot up on Green Lanes. The punter wanted to be taken to the West End.
     Down Highbury New Park went the venerable cab, until the rear axle broke while negotiating a speedhump. A newly-qualified Cabbie is honour-bound not to charge his first punter, but that's for reasons of tradition and superstition, not because the punter has to get out and walk after 500 yards.

     Another of the Knowledge schools runs this via a right turn from Upper Street into Islington Park Street. That looks inadvisable to me, as there's clearly a timed "No Right Turn" sign at that junction. I've never seen that sign operative. It was, as usual, blacked out when I did this Run, but that's hardly surprising at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning. There's an opinion that it may be there solely for Arsenal FC home games, but I don't see what impact banning that turn would have on match traffic.
   

Junction of Upper Street with Islington Park Street & Canonbury Lane.
It's rarely operative, but that's a "No Right Turn" sign, making the right
into Islington Park Street illegal. I won't be calling through that.   

     Leave on left - Green Lanes
     Right - Brownswood Road
     Left - Blackstock Road
     Forward - Highbury Park
     Forward - Highbury Grove
     Right - St. Paul's Road
     Comply - Highbury Corner
     Leave by - Upper Street
     Right - Barnsbury Street
     Left - Milner Square
     Forward - Milner Place
     Gibson Square facing

     I poodle around the vicinity of Manor House Station in a state of mild shock at the continuing demolition & building work on the Woodberry Down Estate. Blocks that I'm sure hadn't even begun to rise last autumn are more or less complete. Of course, the Chinese knock-up blocks of this size in about three months. They need something to keep them occupied, as family planning legislation prevents many of them knocking-up anything else, but we tend to be less industrious and take all the tea-breaks in China. We're also less cavalier with Health & Safety matters. Mind you, in comparison to some developments in China, so is Qatar.
     Most of the blocks on the cut-through that evades the "No Right Turn" sign from the southern arm of Green Lanes to Seven Sisters Road are gone. Only whitewashed plasterboard lines the roads.
     In spite of a "No Through Road" sign at the entrance to Spring Park Drive, the cut-through is still navigable: "Right & left - Spring Park Drive; right - Town Court Path; left - Kayani Avenue; right - Goodchild Road; left - Woodberry Grove."
     A sweep of the 440-yard radius doesn't take long here. One third of the area is taken up by the grass & trees of Finsbury Park. Resident winos & flashers are not asked as Points on The Knowledge. The Woodberry Down Estate takes another third. The West Reservoir is also in the radius. As well as scooters, Knowledge Boys use bicycles, vans, cars & Shanks's pony to locate some of the trickier Points asked by Examiners at the Public Carriage Office. However, sneaky though Examiners may be, speedboats, submarines, snorkels and scuba kit are not yet deemed necessary.
     Apart from Manor House Station itself, Christina Square, on the north side of Adolphus Road, and the John Scott Health Centre, on Green Lanes, are the only Points asked with any degree of regularity.

   

A traditional favourite of Examiners: the John Scott Health Centre on Green Lanes.
Behind railings at a zebra crossing but it's possible to set down outside the zigzags.  

     On the Run itself, Woodberry Down Estate shenanigans apart, the only new developments I noted were on Highbury Grove.
     The islands, road markings and barriers at both the Alwyne Castle and the Hen & Chickens are unchanged, making the set-down arrangements at both a continuing matter of debate.
   

The Alwyne Castle, on St. Paul's Road, facing up Highbury Grove.
Legally & safely setting down near the door is more or less impossible. 

 

The Hen & Chickens on Highbury Corner.
Another pig of a Point to set down at. I can't see
how it's gettable from Highbury Corner itself. 

     With Run Two starting close by, a spin around Upper Street and Essex Road completes the outing. The former Royal Mail sorting office between Studd Street and Almeida Street is being turned into "Islington Square." I'll bet there won't be too much affordable housing in that development.
   

The Almeida Theatre in Almeida Street. One of the most frequently asked
Points on the whole of The Knowledge. Hard to see why, as there are no
tricks to setting down or leaving it - even of asked to leave it on the left.   

     For an area so close to the middle of town, there aren't many tricks to learn. The most frequently asked Points are the Almeida Theatre, the Islington Hilton, the Business Design Centre and the Little Angel Theatre. All are on streets with no access restrictions from the adjoining major roads.
     As with many of the start/finish areas on Runs in Central London, it's worth parking the bike and having a look around here on foot. Parts of Camden Passage and the alleyways around it are pedestrianised. The likes of Frederick's restaurant and Pierrepont Arcade aren't easy to spot on a scooter.
     Run One looks a doddle. Only 319 to go.        
                               

           

Welcome Back To London!

The friendly, smiling Bobby on the beat.
In a busy airport, exactly what he'd do with the piece of artillery he's lovingly cradling,
should shit happen, is a question nobody appears keen to answer. A standard Glock-17
would be far more practical for targeting a Beardie-Weirdie in a crowd.
I'd imagine anyone drawing a Glock-17 would deprive this doubtless highly-trained but
utterly useless ornament of his existence before he could raise his impractical penis extension.  

     Heathrow Airport.

     Sunday morning.

     I arrive back in the UK and, in common with just about everyone else on the plane, I walk straight through. Unchallenged.

     Nice to see the Border and Immigration lads showing the level of dedication we all associate with the Public Sector.

     The laissez-faire policy contrasts sharply with that demonstrated when I left the country last autumn. 

     I left by ferry. 

     For various reasons, including signal failure and heavy rain, possibly of the wrong type, national rail franchise firms were not in "Good Service Operating On All Lines" mode on the day of my departure. This meant that rather a lot of passengers, who'd normally have arrived at the port on several trains, over a period of an hour or so, pitched-up on the same train. It was less than 30 minutes before the ferry was due to sail. 

     Having checked in, we turned a corner towards the departure area. About eight yellow-jacketed bozos, supervised by a world-weary, Welsh-accented constable, stood by conveyor belts, metal detectors and desks, clearly intent on scanning & searching every traveller. 

     Most passengers, stressed and running late, were not prepared for this. On a cold, wet, autumnal day, many had coins, keys, combs and other metallic items in inconvenient places. I forgot I had a key in one inside pocket, set the metal detector off and had to walk through again. I gave the "Dragged-off-the-Dole" G4S imbecile enough lip to have gone a shade of odds-on to be detained, but he took it uncharacteristically well as he patted me down. 

     I was just about first through. I assume someone with some common sense, presumably PC Taffy, realised that searching hand baggage and scanning & patting-down 100+ passengers, who'd already missed the official check-in deadline, wasn't practical and instructed the G4S goons to wave people through, as the ferry left on time.

     Still, it's comforting to know that the Home Office and G4S, under the sagacious guidance of former Home Secretary John Reid (Ker-Chinnggg!), are attempting to ensure that no foot passengers smuggle any Pakistanis out of the country under a raincoat or in a handbag - unlike that Romanian lorry driver who got three years for removing seventeen aggravating Allah-agitators only last week.

 

Profiting from paranoia. John Reid is coining it in from his role as
a G4S bigwig, selling security contracts to his former colleagues at
the Home Office. When he's not accepting hospitality from convicted
war criminals. Just so long as he remembers not to whistle any IRA
ditties while passing through his firm's airport checkpoints.  

     The train from Heathrow to Paddington zips in. It isn't under direct Transport for London control. 

     London Underground is. 

     As is the Public Carriage Office. 

     Which organises and oversees The Knowledge. 

     The number of passengers waiting on the westbound District & Circle Line platform at Paddington is disconcerting. It suggests trains are not running as frequently as scheduled. Not to worry. Within a minute, the reassuring voice of a TfL monkey informs us that there is a Good Service Operating On All Lines. As is normal on that platform, 80 of the 100 passengers are clustered within 15 yards of the entrance. As usual on that platform, the train indicator gives no information. I've never seen it indicate a train until that train has left Edgware Road, all of 600 yards down the track, at which point "1. Wimbledon - 1min" or "1. Circle Line - 1min" flashes-up, at about the same time the reflection of the train's lights appear down the track.

     Over the next 10 minutes, the TfL monkey assures us twice more that there is a Good Service Operating On All Lines. No sign of a train, though.

     At 10:30 or so on Sunday morning, services on each of the two lines are supposed to run at 10-minute intervals, 5 minutes apart. It would appear two trains are a.w.o.l. - and that's without considering just how long the 100 passengers already on the platform when I arrived have been waiting. Yet there is a Good Service Operating On All Lines. Apparently.

     We are also reminded a couple of times to keep our belongings with us at all times and to report anything suspicious to a member of staff or a police officer.           

     "Reporting something unusual won't hurt you."

     No, but spreading fear and paranoia to the extent that TfL and many other branches of the Public Sector do so frequently that they could reasonably be diagnosed with an obsessive disorder almost certainly will.

     "You can't be too careful."

     Yes, you bloody well can.   

     The train indicator flashes into action. Wimbledon train. One minute. Wrong train for me. I hop on. I can change at High Street Kensington.

     The platform indicator works at High Street Kensington. "1. Wimbledon" is followed by "2. Wimbledon - 7mins."

     For crying out loud!

     I hop back on the Wimbledon train. I can change at Earl's Court and come back to Sloane Square.

     A TfL monkey - live, rather than recorded - informs us that there are delays on the Circle Line (No? Really?) and Circle Line passengers should take the Wimbledon train to Earl's Court, cross over the footbridge and double back. Good thinking, Batman!

     At Earl's Court, an eastbound District Line train soon appears and I disembark at Sloane Square.

     A TfL monkey at Sloane Square has been taught a new announcement. I'm impressed, though I think of the "Holy Stone of Clonrichart" episode of "Father Ted" - specifically, Father Jack being coached to say, "That would be an ecumenical matter."
     How long does it take to train a TfL monkey to master a new announcement, word-for-word? How much does this training cost?
     The monkey asks passengers to take care when using stairs and escalators. Given just how oblivious to danger Londoners are when rapt by their Apple & Samsung toys, I would have thought asking them to take care on the platforms might make more sense. TfL trains may arrive at unexpected times and occasionally at unexpected places, but they're not going to mow anyone down on a staircase or escalator.
     Not even at Moorgate.
     I hope.

 

Sloane Square station.
Chelsea is so upmarket that the monkeys employed by London Underground
here must be capable of memorising more announcements than staff elsewhere. 

     I make my intended rendezvous with an acquaintance and retrieve a scooter he's kindly been allowing me to park in his company's underground carpark space. I purchased the scooter from a newly qualified taxi driver in a trip over to London last month. It took him six-&-a-half years to pass The Knowledge, though there were mitigating circumstances. I doubt I have the discipline or determination to pass at all, but I definitely won't still be cracking away at it come Christmas 2021.

     After five weeks in a carpark, the scooter starts first time.

     I resurface and return to the shop managed by my acquaintance for a coffee and a muffin. A redheaded staff member is displaying a lack of cultural diversity. She arrives for work extremely pissed-off. Waitrose have refused to sell her cigarettes. She was asked for ID. When producing the ID, she was informed it was inadequate. I'd have guessed her age at mid-to-late 20s. She's apparently 28. She's a big girl. The notion that anyone might think she was under sixteen is bizarre. Gary Glitter wouldn't give her a second glance. Even after a long spell in chokey with only Big Bubba for company.

     Still, you can't be too careful.

     I get on the scooter and ride towards a Bayswater hotel.

     At the Sloane Square pelican crossing, an invalid in a mobility scooter waits diligently on the "red man" signal... until deciding to engage first gear just as the traffic light goes green and the traffic in front of him moves off. Well, I move off. On the outside. The transit driver on the inside decides not to present the raspberry retard with a richly deserved Darwin Award, satisfying himself with a "You arsehole!" as the fortunate-to-be-in-one-piece motorized mong darts across his bow. The "I have a right!" raspberry replies with a "Fuck off!"
     As the "A Taxi Driver Writes..." column in Private Eye often used to say, "That Adolf Hitler had some right good ideas."

     London's still a lunatic asylum.
     Just remember to take care on the stairs and escalators. The Green Cross Code's for the birds.  

     What am I doing back in this shit-hole of a country?
     The Knowledge, I hope.